In six weeks I will be Mrs. Brad Williams. It's a happiness, excitement, and anticipation I can't even begin to describe to you. I've been waiting 25 years for this day and its almost here. I dream of seeing his face when I'm walking down the aisle. I can't wait to say "I Emily, take you Brad to be my husband..." I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to promise forever to this man. There are other feelings too. I wish there were words to accurately describe them.
I'm nervous. I pray every night that this is what's right for us. I love Brad and not being with him seems like the worst kind of hell I could ever imagine, but is there ever a way to know that this is the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with? I don't think so, but I just keep praying that God, and love, will always guide us where we need to be.
I'm stressed. I've heard people say that planning a wedding is horrible. They weren't lying. Stupid things you never think about, like napkins? Believe me, they will cause you every kind of problem possible and then when you think you've finally got it figured out...? You don't. Everyone will offer to help you, and then when you ask them to, you're suddenly "Bridezilla". You're the go-to-person for any and all questions, and I kind of get this. I mean, it is YOUR day. Yes, its the groom's as well, but everyone knows that if somethings wrong, you're the one who cares, but after the 80th person calls you with another dilemma, you really don't anymore. The vocalist asked me to choose songs. Seemed like a simple enough of a request. Oh no. So not. Finally after stressing myself to the hilt, I just said, You pick the songs. I don't care. And I really don't. You get to a point, where all you care about is seeing checkmarks next to the items on your to do list.
I'm scared that I won't know how to be a wife. Being a girlfriend, fiance, etc., is hard enough. I can defer any and all decisions related to Brad, straight to him, claiming "I'm just the girlfriend." Now I'm the wife. That's a lot of a responsibility I think.
I'm giddy. The other day, I was making our hotel reservations for our wedding night and the lady said, "Name?" and I responded as I always do. "Emily Gehrig." My stepdad was with me and said, "Not gehrig, Williams. It will be Emily Williams" WEIRD! Lol but such an amazing feeling. Granted my initials will be be EW :) but its nice in a way.
I'm tired. Working full time night shift and then trying to rouse my lazy butt out of bed to talk with all the people who plan and work during the day bites.
I'm in love. In love with everything about my day. My perfect dress that was everything I never knew I wanted, my beauty and the beast fur cape, my red shoes, my gift box cake, brad's special, secret groom's cake, my bouquets, my decorations, but most of all Brad. I can't wait to say I do and then celebrate the beginning of our lives together.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Retail Therapy
I say it's retail therapy, but its more like family therapy. Every year at about this time, the women of the Gehrig family, get together, for a weekend of shopping, drinking, laughing, praying, eating, etc., etc. This year however we add crying to that list. It's never easy to lose someone you love, and its even harder to do it alone, so I am very grateful that this family shopping trip is happening when it is, so we can grieve together and comfort each other, the way families, especially mine, do.
Its a tradition that has been going on for 30-ish years and for me and Lindsey it will be, I THINK, the 10th year..wow. That seems insane. Its amazing to me. People will tell me, not a lot, but often enough that I take notice, that its weird how close my extended family is, how odd it is that I have such a close relationship with my cousins. I think its weird that other people don't. These people share my blood, my loved ones...how can you not be close to people who share the same love for the patriarch/matriarch of your family?
I thank God every day for blessing me with THIS family, or rather, THESE families. My dad's, my mom's, my stepdad's, Brad's... I am SOO blessed to be apart of such caring, giving, loving families and I'll never take it for granted.
Its a tradition that has been going on for 30-ish years and for me and Lindsey it will be, I THINK, the 10th year..wow. That seems insane. Its amazing to me. People will tell me, not a lot, but often enough that I take notice, that its weird how close my extended family is, how odd it is that I have such a close relationship with my cousins. I think its weird that other people don't. These people share my blood, my loved ones...how can you not be close to people who share the same love for the patriarch/matriarch of your family?
I thank God every day for blessing me with THIS family, or rather, THESE families. My dad's, my mom's, my stepdad's, Brad's... I am SOO blessed to be apart of such caring, giving, loving families and I'll never take it for granted.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
All Because Two People Fell in Love
Yesterday, a day I have been dreading my whole life, my Grandpa, at 87 years old, passed away. As my family gathered around his bedside, we all collectively held our breath, until he breathed his last. Its a sadness and emptiness I could only begin to fathom. Oh sure, I'm glad he's at peace. He's met his maker and is living an eternal life all of us can only hope we too will someday achieve, but I can't help but feel lost. I've lived my whole life with this man as a constant fixture, and now he's gone.
Before they removed him from mechanical ventilation, we all said our goodbyes. I held his hand, whispered in his ear, "Goodbye Grandpa, I love you. I am SOO proud to be a Gehrig. No one could ever ask for a better grandfather than you." I leaned in and kissed his swollen cheek as tears streamed down mine. It was all so surreal at the time. I remember looking at the monitor as his blood pressure, respirations, and heart rate were dropping. As painful as it was, I kept thinking, "Go grandpa. The lord is waiting for you. You don't have to struggle anymore." But when his respirations were 0 and his heart rate was 0, "It then all came crashing down on me that this pale, swollen man who had been the leader and rock of this family for more than 60 years would never grace any part of my life ever again.
We hugged and cried. My grandma as weak and defeated as I've ever seen her, wrapped me in her arms and said, "He loved you so much Emmy." My heart shattered.
Today, as I BEGIN to pick up the pieces, I, along with the rest of my family, am left to recall the memories of Raymond Constantine Gehrig. Sooo many to sift through. I'll never forget his laugh, or the way his eyes lit up when he smiled...the way my small, warm hand so perfectly fit into his cool, wrinkly one..the way he would say, "hey emmy dot.." when I curled up in his lap as a child as we passionately cheered on the hawks.. how proud he was to be a veteran...how proud I am that he was a veteran.. how much he loved his wife, children, grandchildren..
He was a quiet man.. usually sat back and took in all the chaos that is the Gehrig Family.. but when you made him mad, look out!
Another favorite memory.. A few years ago, Dad and grandma and grandpa attended the annual labor day rodeo in Fonda. I sat by them. The announcer asked everyone to stand..then he said that we are so lucky to live in America..a land where we are free...free because of the men and women who fight for that freedom every day.. then he asked everyone who served and was a war veteran to remain standing...Dad, Grandma, and I, along with the rest of the non-veterans in the crowd, sat down... I looked at my grandpa as he stood there, his cap in his hand, and his hand over his heart...and I've never seen him stand so tall or so proud.. and I've never been more proud to be his granddaughter...and thats saying a lot...because i'm very proud every day to be a part of this family.
It doesn't seem real...that he's gone. He was always a quiet presence. But he was that, a presence. The kind that you can always sense...always feel. You always KNEW he was there. A constant in my life like none other. I suppose that will remain. That presence. I pray that presence fills Grandma every day.
After 60 years of marriage...I can't begin to imagine what thats like..to lose someone you've shared your life with, children with, gains and losses with, victories and failures with..sunrise and sunsets with..joys and tears with...how do you all of a sudden face a future alone? I pray that everyday she wakes up and feels his love in her heart. 60 years ago (roughly) they met, fell in love and were united in Holy Matrimony. To that union were born 6 children, 21 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren..all those lives created and lived...all because two people fell in love..how lucky and blessed I am.
Before they removed him from mechanical ventilation, we all said our goodbyes. I held his hand, whispered in his ear, "Goodbye Grandpa, I love you. I am SOO proud to be a Gehrig. No one could ever ask for a better grandfather than you." I leaned in and kissed his swollen cheek as tears streamed down mine. It was all so surreal at the time. I remember looking at the monitor as his blood pressure, respirations, and heart rate were dropping. As painful as it was, I kept thinking, "Go grandpa. The lord is waiting for you. You don't have to struggle anymore." But when his respirations were 0 and his heart rate was 0, "It then all came crashing down on me that this pale, swollen man who had been the leader and rock of this family for more than 60 years would never grace any part of my life ever again.
We hugged and cried. My grandma as weak and defeated as I've ever seen her, wrapped me in her arms and said, "He loved you so much Emmy." My heart shattered.
Today, as I BEGIN to pick up the pieces, I, along with the rest of my family, am left to recall the memories of Raymond Constantine Gehrig. Sooo many to sift through. I'll never forget his laugh, or the way his eyes lit up when he smiled...the way my small, warm hand so perfectly fit into his cool, wrinkly one..the way he would say, "hey emmy dot.." when I curled up in his lap as a child as we passionately cheered on the hawks.. how proud he was to be a veteran...how proud I am that he was a veteran.. how much he loved his wife, children, grandchildren..
He was a quiet man.. usually sat back and took in all the chaos that is the Gehrig Family.. but when you made him mad, look out!
Another favorite memory.. A few years ago, Dad and grandma and grandpa attended the annual labor day rodeo in Fonda. I sat by them. The announcer asked everyone to stand..then he said that we are so lucky to live in America..a land where we are free...free because of the men and women who fight for that freedom every day.. then he asked everyone who served and was a war veteran to remain standing...Dad, Grandma, and I, along with the rest of the non-veterans in the crowd, sat down... I looked at my grandpa as he stood there, his cap in his hand, and his hand over his heart...and I've never seen him stand so tall or so proud.. and I've never been more proud to be his granddaughter...and thats saying a lot...because i'm very proud every day to be a part of this family.
It doesn't seem real...that he's gone. He was always a quiet presence. But he was that, a presence. The kind that you can always sense...always feel. You always KNEW he was there. A constant in my life like none other. I suppose that will remain. That presence. I pray that presence fills Grandma every day.
After 60 years of marriage...I can't begin to imagine what thats like..to lose someone you've shared your life with, children with, gains and losses with, victories and failures with..sunrise and sunsets with..joys and tears with...how do you all of a sudden face a future alone? I pray that everyday she wakes up and feels his love in her heart. 60 years ago (roughly) they met, fell in love and were united in Holy Matrimony. To that union were born 6 children, 21 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren..all those lives created and lived...all because two people fell in love..how lucky and blessed I am.
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