Yesterday, a day I have been dreading my whole life, my Grandpa, at 87 years old, passed away. As my family gathered around his bedside, we all collectively held our breath, until he breathed his last. Its a sadness and emptiness I could only begin to fathom. Oh sure, I'm glad he's at peace. He's met his maker and is living an eternal life all of us can only hope we too will someday achieve, but I can't help but feel lost. I've lived my whole life with this man as a constant fixture, and now he's gone.
Before they removed him from mechanical ventilation, we all said our goodbyes. I held his hand, whispered in his ear, "Goodbye Grandpa, I love you. I am SOO proud to be a Gehrig. No one could ever ask for a better grandfather than you." I leaned in and kissed his swollen cheek as tears streamed down mine. It was all so surreal at the time. I remember looking at the monitor as his blood pressure, respirations, and heart rate were dropping. As painful as it was, I kept thinking, "Go grandpa. The lord is waiting for you. You don't have to struggle anymore." But when his respirations were 0 and his heart rate was 0, "It then all came crashing down on me that this pale, swollen man who had been the leader and rock of this family for more than 60 years would never grace any part of my life ever again.
We hugged and cried. My grandma as weak and defeated as I've ever seen her, wrapped me in her arms and said, "He loved you so much Emmy." My heart shattered.
Today, as I BEGIN to pick up the pieces, I, along with the rest of my family, am left to recall the memories of Raymond Constantine Gehrig. Sooo many to sift through. I'll never forget his laugh, or the way his eyes lit up when he smiled...the way my small, warm hand so perfectly fit into his cool, wrinkly one..the way he would say, "hey emmy dot.." when I curled up in his lap as a child as we passionately cheered on the hawks.. how proud he was to be a veteran...how proud I am that he was a veteran.. how much he loved his wife, children, grandchildren..
He was a quiet man.. usually sat back and took in all the chaos that is the Gehrig Family.. but when you made him mad, look out!
Another favorite memory.. A few years ago, Dad and grandma and grandpa attended the annual labor day rodeo in Fonda. I sat by them. The announcer asked everyone to stand..then he said that we are so lucky to live in America..a land where we are free...free because of the men and women who fight for that freedom every day.. then he asked everyone who served and was a war veteran to remain standing...Dad, Grandma, and I, along with the rest of the non-veterans in the crowd, sat down... I looked at my grandpa as he stood there, his cap in his hand, and his hand over his heart...and I've never seen him stand so tall or so proud.. and I've never been more proud to be his granddaughter...and thats saying a lot...because i'm very proud every day to be a part of this family.
It doesn't seem real...that he's gone. He was always a quiet presence. But he was that, a presence. The kind that you can always sense...always feel. You always KNEW he was there. A constant in my life like none other. I suppose that will remain. That presence. I pray that presence fills Grandma every day.
After 60 years of marriage...I can't begin to imagine what thats like..to lose someone you've shared your life with, children with, gains and losses with, victories and failures with..sunrise and sunsets with..joys and tears with...how do you all of a sudden face a future alone? I pray that everyday she wakes up and feels his love in her heart. 60 years ago (roughly) they met, fell in love and were united in Holy Matrimony. To that union were born 6 children, 21 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren..all those lives created and lived...all because two people fell in love..how lucky and blessed I am.
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