I have all these ideas, goals, thoughts, plans for my life. Maybe I should say had. Don't get me wrong. I don't view my life as a failure, lost, or over by any means. I'm happy with where I am and who I've become....for the most part. I believe that I came to a crossroads and somewhere down the road I chose, I gave up on a few things.
I'm not even entirely sure which dreams I gave up on. Before I met Brad, I was a little lost. I had plans, goals.. I suppose. I don't know if they were dreams. The life I wanted with Brad just couldn't sync with the the goals I had previously set. Brad will always live and farm in Lytton. Nothing will ever take him away from that. That really is his dream so I could never ask him to leave, and as I'm not sure I ever even had a dream, I don't think its fair for me to ask him to leave for any less.
I think I'm a realist. Maybe even part pessimist and when you throw in my lovely habit of being self deprecating, what you get is a bar that is consistently set low. As a 4 year old, I was going to be the head coach of the Oakland (then LA) Raiders. As time passed, I began to see that this was, while possible, certainly not probable. It seemed to be a childhood fancy, and I moved on to more professional, appropriate goals. As I love to argue, being a lawyer seemed like a worthy field. Was it a passion? Arguing, yes. Law, no, but as far as money, and a career, it seemed like a good idea. Eventually, during my sophomore year of highschool I jobshadowed at the Omaha zoo. I loved everything about it. It was an amazing experience and seemed to be something I could really get into. The schooling however, was going to be a problem. 8 years of school to be an exotic animal vet wasn't really something I could get excited about. I didn't think I had it in me. Another small setback was that I had dreamed (yes this one actually was a dream) of going to the University of Iowa for as long as I could remember, and as Iowa didn't have a veterinary medicine program, eventually I would have had to transfer. That seemed to be a minor thing though, so off to the University of Iowa I went. I failed miserably (in the figurative sense--literally, as far as my grades, I did okay). I missed home, and I just couldn't find my groove. Graduating seemed like such a pipe dream. It was like this vague term that seemed impossible. I became extremely overwhelmed, discouraged, and frustrated. My second year at Iowa, I met Brad (the LOVE of my life), and my "dream" of being a vet, fell to the wayside. Brad became what was important. He would never, I mean NEVER, leave Lytton and farming, and I wanted to be where he was. That was what was important. After transferring to 3, yes 3, junior colleges, I finally graduated from ICCC, with an associates degree in nursing. It's funny to me now, how easy it is to say that. A couple years ago, I would have cringed from admitting to "junior college", "associates degree", and the thought of 4 colleges in 3 years. I'm not sure why now it's not so bitter. It no longer leaves that lump in my chest or turns my cheeks 3 shades of red. Nursing was never my dream, either. It still isn't. Its a job, one that I can be passionate about at times. One that can be rewarding and also draining as well.
I think now, (better late than never) that I'm beginning to realize, that dreams don't have to be a career. It doesn't have to be achievements and awards or money and prestige or glamour. Dreams can be happiness. Dreams can be love. My biggest dream is children. I dream of having children that have the courage to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, no matter what other people say. I dream of making a difference in other people's lives no matter how big or small that may be. I dream of peace. Not world peace (well I do, but...), peace of mind. Being at peace with who I am and what I have to offer. I dream of finding contentment and confidence with my decisions. Its a work in progress. :)
I haven't always been overly proud of the journey I've taken. It always seemed to be the lazy, cowardly way of thinking/doing. I made so many mistakes, but now, 6 (almost 7--YIKES!) years out of highschool, I can (for the most part) take a deep breath and own who I am. God has blessed me with so many things, and while I definitely have much to learn, I do know that life is funny. It can surprise you, quite often, in fact, and that is okay with me. :)
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