I miss you Grandpa..

I thought it would get easier. That maybe it would start to subside a little, or slowly ease away. I thought that the gaping hole there would start to close, but little things still bring me to the verge of tears and I can't make the hurt stop. Today, dad sent me two picture text messages. One was of grandma at her birthday and one was of grandpa recently. I can't remember where, but it was shortly before his death. I opened that text and it was like it all just quickly rose up in my throat and I couldn't stop it. I hate it. I hate it that he's gone. I hate that he's gone and it seems like it was something that was so easily prevented. It probably wasn't. It probably wasn't anything that aspirin or coumadin or anything could have stopped. But it seems like it. I feel like I let him down. I know thats silly. I shouldn't feel that way, but I feel like if I would have questioned his meds more, questioned his doctors at all, found something out. With a history of 1 serious stroke, shouldn't more have been done to prevent that? Its just things I torture myself with at night. I'm sure he was suffering so much more than any of us knew living at the nursing home and I'm sure he was ready to go. I shouldn't be selfish. I should accept it and be happy for him that he's with God. He lived a full, rewarding life. We all should be grateful for the time we spent with him, right?

I am. I am soo grateful, but that doesn't mean that it hurts less because of that. He was such an amazing spirit. I'm sure he still is. It just feels better to vent. It feels like I can connect to him this way. I remember goodbye. It hurt. A lot. Watching him go...I'll never forget it. I'm glad he's at peace. I pray that Grandma is too. She loves him and misses him so much.